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-Started this post on Tuesday, couldn't complete it. Making another attempt on Wednesday. Apparently it's called writer's block?-

I have found myself staring into space on countless occasions in the last 30 or so hours. Was so incredibly unproductive at work today.

No matter how much I learn about the situation and the circumstances, I don't think I will be able to fully understand. I find myself constantly wondering what was going through his mind - everything from what he must have been thinking on Monday, how long he'd been thinking about it, why he didn't feel like he could talk to anyone, get help, anything. Then there is the information that may be more 'easily' (for wont of a better word) attainable, but which I'm not quite in the position to ask, nor would it be very polite for me to do so. Also, whatever is uncovered now may not provide a full picture. Basically, we will never get the full story because only he could answer those questions.

I have been advised to try and concentrate on the good and happy memories, like Rob making his yummy chilli, playing Risk, crosswords, and Rob's love for music and DJ-ing. He and Ben planted in front of the couch every week to watch the O.C. It does help to talk about him, and it does help that there is someone who understands, though I can't help feeling I'm the one who should be lending others an ear and a shoulder and not the other way around!

p.s. It's Wednesday and though being at work is not easy (especially when there is little work to do), I'm making sure I keep myself occupied outside of work so I'm not just sitting and staring at the wall.